来吧，围观一场真正的雅思作文批改！
来源：
小编： 226什么样的批改才能真正意义上帮助大家提升雅思分数？
市面上大部分的批改其实都仅仅针对“语法”和“词汇”两项，并不是说这两项在雅思写作中不重要，而是这两项只是评分标准中的一半，而对另一半的忽视很容易限制了考生的上限分数。
所以，我特意挑了一篇语法错误相对较少的文章进行批改，和大家仔细分享一下。
本次批改主要针对逻辑层面，所以个别语法细节只批改未讲解。
Countriesare becoming more and more similar because people are able to buy thesame products anywhere in the world. Do you think this is a positiveor negative development?
学员作文：
黑色为原作文；红色为批改内容
Since roughly one or two generations ago, today’s world has been gaining increasing similarity, which can be explained by that[… by the fact that …]products with [the]same brand and pattern are now available almost everywhere in the world. Although this phenomenon can bring about some merits, in my view, generally, it is still a negative trend. This essay will begin at [at] exploring the bright side of this, followed by the reasons [why]I regard it negative.
1. 本段的几个语法错误已用红色改正。
2. 本段第一句明显是背景改写，但是其意思和原题背景不贴切。原题指的是相同的商品，而不是品牌。所以这开头段第一句的背景改写，不仅有语法的错误还有逻辑的瑕疵。
其实背景改写主要是转述，而不是简简单单地用词汇替换和句式转换的方式来改写。
例如这个背景就可以写成：In contemporary world, people in many countries are losing their national identity to some extent, with purchasing and using same commodities in their daily life.
这么简短一句其实足够概括本文的背景。
3. 本段第二句直接点明了笔者的立场，清晰易懂。但是，本句写的略微有些套路，如果能够再贴合后文论点会更好。
4. 至于本段的第三句，实在是没有必要。这种句子本身对于文章的影响不痛不痒，但一旦出现语法错误又会使考官对于笔者的水平有更低的预期，所以写了还不如不写。
With the rapid process of globalization, it has been very easy for people to purchase oversea commodities and enjoy the benefits brought by them. Take China, my country, as an example. [,] In the past before 1980s, people can [could]only buy domestic products ranging from food to household appliances,which implies that there is little choice [there were limited choices]for citizens in terms of their daily necessities. However，avariety of products now are accessible to the social mass and consumers are capable of making their own decisions over whether to buy the [the] domestic commodities or the [the] exoticones, according to their preferences and disposable income. Some electronic products such as Iphone and I watch as well as some automobile brands including BMW and Mercedes are prevalent among quite a few countries and this fully manifests the rising similarity between [over] different regions of the world and simultaneously reflects people’s pursuit to high-quality lifestyle as well.
1. 细节语法错误已用红色改正。
2. 本段缺少清晰有力的中心句。既然本段是在写这个现象的优点，那么就把它写在当面，越清晰越好。
3. 本段的篇幅已经超过了正常范围，所以本段的例子一定要精简。前文以中国为例就足够了，后面再以电子产品和汽车为例完全没有必要，反而显得结构臃肿和重复。
4. 简言之，本段最大的问题其实是段落结构的问题。
5. 如何用简单的语言，既能表达清楚论点，又能做到充分展开，这才是笔者目前最需要掌握知识点。
Despite its merits to people’s life, I think there are more dangerous engendered by this [drawbacks this trend gives rise to],which should not [be]overlooked. Too much [many] oversea goods flocking into a host country might lead to such a fact that the outsider [imports] one day perhaps [perhaps] will dominate the local market, which is what domestic manufacturers and enterprises are definitely unwilling to confront on all accounts.Also, the influx of exotic products always means a different foreign [a different foreign] culture’s infiltration which may cause the disadvantaged culture to die out eventually. To be precise, international obstructions being removed, foreign preponderant cultures come in and are most likely to come out on top in the competition against the native ones, thereby assimilating or even wiping out indigenous vulnerable cultures. This would do great harm to a nation’s cultural diversity, causing considerable loss of valuable civilized treasures.
1. 几个细节错误已用红色改正。
2. 和上一段有一个相似的错误，就是论点表达不直接。其实本段有两个论点，其中第一论点的表达不直白，需要再清晰化一下，相比之下第二论点表达的更好一些。
3. 抛开论点表达，再说论点的展开。其实第一论点并没有在逻辑上真正的展开，也就是说并没有明确说出这些竞争为什么是本地制造商和企业不愿面对的。相比之下，第二论点关于文化入侵的展开就比较精彩了。
4. 综上所言，本段还是在段落构成方面做得不够好，需要有针对性的加强。
While this tendency can contribute to people’s higher life quality, I still believe that it would be more [more]
risky in particular for the society as a whole in the long run.
1. 结尾段起到了总括全文和重述立场的作用，从逻辑角度而言问题不大。
从评分标准看全文
IELTS scoring standard
1.问题回应程度达不到7分标准
其实本文的问题回应程度还不错，尤其贯穿全文笔者立场比较清晰。
但是，无论是主一段还是主二段都有论点表述不够清楚的情况发生。而且对于论点的展开个别情况也谈不上充分。
所以，本项评分应该在6分水平。
2.全文段落清晰，每个段落的功能也比较清楚，但段落之间缺少链接和过渡，且段落内部的连贯性也显得不足。
具体说，段落内部句子之间缺少必要的连接词，前后文之间的逻辑性没有被很好地突出。简单而言，论述阶段笔者的思路其实不清晰。
本项分数也是典型的6分水平。
3.词汇应用中规中矩
全文词汇的整体正确率还不错，尽管有些细微的小错误，但是全文的词汇范围不算是特别广泛。几乎一直在用简单词进行论述。
对于词汇的基本词义，词形，词性都有比较好的把控。但是关于使用的地道性和灵活性还得不到很好的体现。
本项仍然是6分。
4.语法基础比较扎实
全文几乎没有句子结构方面的错误，所有句子都清晰可读。但是，细节语法错误还是略多，而且有些句式使用频繁，给人重复的感觉，例如定语从句。
全文的语法深度其实是不错的，对于非谓语动词，乃至于独立主格笔者都有应用，但是大量的定语从句还是限制了本文句式的多样性。
因此本项也是6分水平。
| 得分情况 | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Task Response | coherence | Vocabulary | Grammar | overall |
| 6 | 6 | 6 | 6 | 6 |
总之，对于雅思作文的批改，不应该只针对语法和词汇，对其逻辑，段落，论述思路等方面也应该是批改的主要范围。
就本文而言，笔者最大的问题就是段落结构不熟悉。稍加调整，距离7分咫尺之遥。
